A Letter To The Surgery

The Practice Manager

Bodycheck Medical Centre

Dialysis Medical Village

Fundsway

RI 1 8Nt

Dear Practice Manager,

As an infrequent user of the excellent facilities available at your well appointed centre I feel that I must apologise for any consternation caused by my recent visit.

I was unaware that, for obviously sound health reasons, your customers are expected to walk to the centre and thus offer my apologies to the stern  lady in jackboots who was supervising your spacious parking area. It did seem to me to be an unusual job for the loud voiced senior receptionist but I can assure you that her being trapped between my vehicle's radiator and the boundary wall was a pure accident. I consider the nice young police constable was in error by referring to the incident as attempted murder.

A innovative feature that I noted was the security guard searching all visitors to the surgery for evidence of tobacco and alcohol abuse. If this could be extended to other categories, sports abuse, food abuse, self abuse etc. significant progress would be made to the ideal of ensuring that only completely healthy people gain access to the centre. This would ease the strain on your overworked medical staff and enable them to spend more time investigating the links between smoking and the Mongol expansion into Europe during the first Millennium.

I did feel that the compulsory seventy-eight page pre-appointment questionnaire took some considerable time to complete but remain grateful for the compulsory hypno-therapy session in section forty-three. I had never realised what evil people my parents had been and look forward to their forthcoming trial and probable imprisonment.

A suggestion that you may consider is to more widely display the events that take place on the premises. Had I realised that Thursday was Gay Health Day I would not have shown my surprise when the young man in the black leather jacket took my hand and attempted to lead me into a curtained cubicle. I can assure you that I had no intention of causing him such serious injuries, the marks on his throat being from a purely reflex action when he offered to help me undress. I must add that were the cubicles a little larger then my knee would not have struck his groin as he attempted to sit down. Please send him my best regards and I do hope that the steel implant in his spine will eventually enable him to recover at least some power of movement.

My comments to the lady behind the armoured glass in the reception area were of a jocular nature and were only made because of her extraordinary resemblance to the late female commandant of the Ravensbruck Concentration Camp. The remark about her being too young to have belonged to the Hitler Youth was intended as a compliment and my question about her medical knowledge was only made because of my admiration of the intensive pre-consultation briefing she subjected me to. I can assure you that my observations about cauldrons and broomsticks were merely a reference to alternative medical practises and only made in wonderment of the wide knowledge she seemed to have on all health matters.

As all four hundred and twenty of the group medical staff have now refused me a consultation I am endeavouring to memorise the three volumes of your Regulations for Prospective Patients publication. If I am successful in passing the Rejected Patient Re-entry Examination I have a tentative  appointment for March 2017 and hope to see you then.


Cordially yours,