More letters
The Reverend H Hareshol
St. Johns Church
c/o The Team Vicars
Peace Avenue
FG6 3GN
Dear Vicar,
After the recent meeting of the Parochial Church Council I feel that you may have misconstrued some of the issues raised and hope that this letter may help you to resolve the situation.
Although Ms. Brotherton is undoubtedly a highly qualified social worker I find that her counselling of the congregation after every mention of Satan makes the service overly long. Perhaps she could use the tambourine practice room for this purpose, after you have given your final blessing.
Whilst on the subject I wonder if it would be possible to avoid mentioning the name of Jesus during The Eucharist. Although no one has greater admiration than I for the fervour of the 'born again' members of the congregation I do think that the composer Handel has already written the definitive version of The Hallelujah Chorus and the copyright should remain with his heirs and successors.
With regard to my comments about your rallying call of 'The Church For The New Millenium' I meant only to say that your crusade for 'bums on seats', although in the true Christian tradition, could be misinterpreted in these days of popular access to American television programmes.
On the question of the space available in the aisles it would be helpful if your young lady curate and her assistants were more aware of some of the church customs. Several worshippers have mentioned that the bringing in of sheaves is normally confined to the The Harvest Festival and should not be used as a weekly accompaniment to the tambourine and guitar ensemble. I hasten to add that they do not wish to cause trouble and have no desire to be summoned to the Monday evening 'bible awareness' classes conducted in secrecy by that earnest young man from the university
I wonder if you could see your way to having the talking in tongues session separate to the communion service. Apart from making progress difficult for the servers the number of people writhing in the aisles during the collection has led to a sharp drop in the Font Renewal fund and will, I believe, delay your plans to divert the river into the church for the proposed mass baptism services.
Finally I must mention the giving of ' The Peace.' Although I agree that in this day and age a mere handshake is not enough, the partial disrobing and exchange of body fluids practised by the more charismatic worshippers may possibly be misunderstood by members of the older generation. It was possibly because of this that the bishop on his last visit felt compelled to embrace only male members of the congregation.
Yours in fellowship,
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Friday 24 February 2012
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Letter To The Hyper-Market
The General Manager
Modified Foodmarkets plc.
Genetics Square
The Forward For Science Industrial Park
Euro Area South West 21.
Dear General Manager,
After a recent visit to your company's new globerama market in Yorkshire I feel compelled to note one or two points that may be of interest to yourself.
I must congratulate you on your policy of solely employing young people who appear to suffer from the unfortunate syndrome known as 'learning difficulties.' As you now operate in excess of one million outlets I do think that this courageous policy may eventually lead to slight staffing problems. It may be that if and when such a situation should arise the company could consider employing the merely illiterate members of the population which, experience suggests, comprises the majority of persons under the age of forty. If this should prove difficult then I fear that your only recourse is to turn to the older members of society, although their basic good manners, knowledge and courtesy, may be disturbing to younger shoppers thus causing a decline in your sales of illegibly labelled compact discs and Thai curries.
To return to my visit I must state how I admired the 'sang froid' of a young assistant whose lapel badge proclaimed her to enjoy the somewhat unusual name of Tracy Supervisor. When I enquired about the labelling of genetically modified products she informed me that all the micro-waveable foods carried the instructions on the packet.I found this a refreshing example of the witty replies so naturally uttered issued by your staff and remain amazed by the way she managed to utter several such statements without the slightest hint of amusement showing on her serious countenance. Such training deserves the highest accolades and I ask that you pass my comments on to your excellent Personnel Manager.
A small hiatus occurred when I attempted to procure one of the wheeled baskets that were artistically arranged at the store entrance. These scientifically designed ensembles of steel wire are, as I'm sure you're aware, linked together by what appears to be a thin section of chain fencing. As I felt that steering sixteen of these magnificent vehicles around the store would deprive some other worthy shopper of the opportunity to sample your interesting range of goods, I endeavoured to separate one which would be sufficient for my modest needs. After several minutes of struggle I requested assistance from a young man who was attired in both pullover and hat bearing the 'smiling till' logo displayed all around your company's stores.Incidentally it is very thoughtful of your management to design a hat with the peak at the rear. This must be of immense help in preventing harmful ultra-violet from the sun affecting the bare necks of your young employees. I would assume that the time lost from sickness is greatly reduced by this innovation. Upon my asking this willing fellow for assistance he replied by saying ' Itexakwid.'
My delight at finding a fluent knowledge of the Serbo -Croat language was a requirement for your employees when, by deft use of sign language for the hard of hearing, he indicated that a one pound coin was all that was required to release the recalcitrant piece of chain fencing. This I must say is modern technology in its finest form as once the coin had entered a slotted section none of my subsequent efforts could release it again. I would assume that this clever device goes a long way to meeting the repair costs caused by these baskets being inconsiderately damaged by the libs of your more careless customers.
Whilst on the subject of the mobile shopping basket I never realised what a marvellous training aid they are for shoppers whose driving skills have become somewhat jaded. After suffering the rigours of a short urban journey to reach your store all drivers can revitalise their skills by pushing one these trolleys for only a few short yards. I feel sure that all customers must appreciate your consideration for what is largely a car borne trade.
I fear that I cannot comment any further on this visit to your emporium as, just after entering, I foolishly allowed my right leg to intersect a trolley that was headed towards a sign proclaiming 'baskets only.' I trust that no permanent damage was caused to your shopping vehicle and remain in awe of the design work that enables such a modest creation to be loaded to a height of six feet or more above ground level and still provide room for three young children to sit in comfort.
After my discharge from hospital I shall certainly visit your store again.
Sincerely
Modified Foodmarkets plc.
Genetics Square
The Forward For Science Industrial Park
Euro Area South West 21.
Dear General Manager,
After a recent visit to your company's new globerama market in Yorkshire I feel compelled to note one or two points that may be of interest to yourself.
I must congratulate you on your policy of solely employing young people who appear to suffer from the unfortunate syndrome known as 'learning difficulties.' As you now operate in excess of one million outlets I do think that this courageous policy may eventually lead to slight staffing problems. It may be that if and when such a situation should arise the company could consider employing the merely illiterate members of the population which, experience suggests, comprises the majority of persons under the age of forty. If this should prove difficult then I fear that your only recourse is to turn to the older members of society, although their basic good manners, knowledge and courtesy, may be disturbing to younger shoppers thus causing a decline in your sales of illegibly labelled compact discs and Thai curries.
To return to my visit I must state how I admired the 'sang froid' of a young assistant whose lapel badge proclaimed her to enjoy the somewhat unusual name of Tracy Supervisor. When I enquired about the labelling of genetically modified products she informed me that all the micro-waveable foods carried the instructions on the packet.I found this a refreshing example of the witty replies so naturally uttered issued by your staff and remain amazed by the way she managed to utter several such statements without the slightest hint of amusement showing on her serious countenance. Such training deserves the highest accolades and I ask that you pass my comments on to your excellent Personnel Manager.
A small hiatus occurred when I attempted to procure one of the wheeled baskets that were artistically arranged at the store entrance. These scientifically designed ensembles of steel wire are, as I'm sure you're aware, linked together by what appears to be a thin section of chain fencing. As I felt that steering sixteen of these magnificent vehicles around the store would deprive some other worthy shopper of the opportunity to sample your interesting range of goods, I endeavoured to separate one which would be sufficient for my modest needs. After several minutes of struggle I requested assistance from a young man who was attired in both pullover and hat bearing the 'smiling till' logo displayed all around your company's stores.Incidentally it is very thoughtful of your management to design a hat with the peak at the rear. This must be of immense help in preventing harmful ultra-violet from the sun affecting the bare necks of your young employees. I would assume that the time lost from sickness is greatly reduced by this innovation. Upon my asking this willing fellow for assistance he replied by saying ' Itexakwid.'
My delight at finding a fluent knowledge of the Serbo -Croat language was a requirement for your employees when, by deft use of sign language for the hard of hearing, he indicated that a one pound coin was all that was required to release the recalcitrant piece of chain fencing. This I must say is modern technology in its finest form as once the coin had entered a slotted section none of my subsequent efforts could release it again. I would assume that this clever device goes a long way to meeting the repair costs caused by these baskets being inconsiderately damaged by the libs of your more careless customers.
Whilst on the subject of the mobile shopping basket I never realised what a marvellous training aid they are for shoppers whose driving skills have become somewhat jaded. After suffering the rigours of a short urban journey to reach your store all drivers can revitalise their skills by pushing one these trolleys for only a few short yards. I feel sure that all customers must appreciate your consideration for what is largely a car borne trade.
I fear that I cannot comment any further on this visit to your emporium as, just after entering, I foolishly allowed my right leg to intersect a trolley that was headed towards a sign proclaiming 'baskets only.' I trust that no permanent damage was caused to your shopping vehicle and remain in awe of the design work that enables such a modest creation to be loaded to a height of six feet or more above ground level and still provide room for three young children to sit in comfort.
After my discharge from hospital I shall certainly visit your store again.
Sincerely
Tuesday 14 February 2012
A Letter To The Surgery
The Practice Manager
Bodycheck Medical Centre
Dialysis Medical Village
Fundsway
RI 1 8Nt
Dear Practice Manager,
As an infrequent user of the excellent facilities available at your well appointed centre I feel that I must apologise for any consternation caused by my recent visit.
I was unaware that, for obviously sound health reasons, your customers are expected to walk to the centre and thus offer my apologies to the stern lady in jackboots who was supervising your spacious parking area. It did seem to me to be an unusual job for the loud voiced senior receptionist but I can assure you that her being trapped between my vehicle's radiator and the boundary wall was a pure accident. I consider the nice young police constable was in error by referring to the incident as attempted murder.
A innovative feature that I noted was the security guard searching all visitors to the surgery for evidence of tobacco and alcohol abuse. If this could be extended to other categories, sports abuse, food abuse, self abuse etc. significant progress would be made to the ideal of ensuring that only completely healthy people gain access to the centre. This would ease the strain on your overworked medical staff and enable them to spend more time investigating the links between smoking and the Mongol expansion into Europe during the first Millennium.
I did feel that the compulsory seventy-eight page pre-appointment questionnaire took some considerable time to complete but remain grateful for the compulsory hypno-therapy session in section forty-three. I had never realised what evil people my parents had been and look forward to their forthcoming trial and probable imprisonment.
A suggestion that you may consider is to more widely display the events that take place on the premises. Had I realised that Thursday was Gay Health Day I would not have shown my surprise when the young man in the black leather jacket took my hand and attempted to lead me into a curtained cubicle. I can assure you that I had no intention of causing him such serious injuries, the marks on his throat being from a purely reflex action when he offered to help me undress. I must add that were the cubicles a little larger then my knee would not have struck his groin as he attempted to sit down. Please send him my best regards and I do hope that the steel implant in his spine will eventually enable him to recover at least some power of movement.
My comments to the lady behind the armoured glass in the reception area were of a jocular nature and were only made because of her extraordinary resemblance to the late female commandant of the Ravensbruck Concentration Camp. The remark about her being too young to have belonged to the Hitler Youth was intended as a compliment and my question about her medical knowledge was only made because of my admiration of the intensive pre-consultation briefing she subjected me to. I can assure you that my observations about cauldrons and broomsticks were merely a reference to alternative medical practises and only made in wonderment of the wide knowledge she seemed to have on all health matters.
As all four hundred and twenty of the group medical staff have now refused me a consultation I am endeavouring to memorise the three volumes of your Regulations for Prospective Patients publication. If I am successful in passing the Rejected Patient Re-entry Examination I have a tentative appointment for March 2017 and hope to see you then.
Cordially yours,
Bodycheck Medical Centre
Dialysis Medical Village
Fundsway
RI 1 8Nt
Dear Practice Manager,
As an infrequent user of the excellent facilities available at your well appointed centre I feel that I must apologise for any consternation caused by my recent visit.
I was unaware that, for obviously sound health reasons, your customers are expected to walk to the centre and thus offer my apologies to the stern lady in jackboots who was supervising your spacious parking area. It did seem to me to be an unusual job for the loud voiced senior receptionist but I can assure you that her being trapped between my vehicle's radiator and the boundary wall was a pure accident. I consider the nice young police constable was in error by referring to the incident as attempted murder.
A innovative feature that I noted was the security guard searching all visitors to the surgery for evidence of tobacco and alcohol abuse. If this could be extended to other categories, sports abuse, food abuse, self abuse etc. significant progress would be made to the ideal of ensuring that only completely healthy people gain access to the centre. This would ease the strain on your overworked medical staff and enable them to spend more time investigating the links between smoking and the Mongol expansion into Europe during the first Millennium.
I did feel that the compulsory seventy-eight page pre-appointment questionnaire took some considerable time to complete but remain grateful for the compulsory hypno-therapy session in section forty-three. I had never realised what evil people my parents had been and look forward to their forthcoming trial and probable imprisonment.
A suggestion that you may consider is to more widely display the events that take place on the premises. Had I realised that Thursday was Gay Health Day I would not have shown my surprise when the young man in the black leather jacket took my hand and attempted to lead me into a curtained cubicle. I can assure you that I had no intention of causing him such serious injuries, the marks on his throat being from a purely reflex action when he offered to help me undress. I must add that were the cubicles a little larger then my knee would not have struck his groin as he attempted to sit down. Please send him my best regards and I do hope that the steel implant in his spine will eventually enable him to recover at least some power of movement.
My comments to the lady behind the armoured glass in the reception area were of a jocular nature and were only made because of her extraordinary resemblance to the late female commandant of the Ravensbruck Concentration Camp. The remark about her being too young to have belonged to the Hitler Youth was intended as a compliment and my question about her medical knowledge was only made because of my admiration of the intensive pre-consultation briefing she subjected me to. I can assure you that my observations about cauldrons and broomsticks were merely a reference to alternative medical practises and only made in wonderment of the wide knowledge she seemed to have on all health matters.
As all four hundred and twenty of the group medical staff have now refused me a consultation I am endeavouring to memorise the three volumes of your Regulations for Prospective Patients publication. If I am successful in passing the Rejected Patient Re-entry Examination I have a tentative appointment for March 2017 and hope to see you then.
Cordially yours,
Thursday 9 February 2012
Daily News
Scanning through the paper this morning I came across the following stories that show to what a shit state England has descended. ( Warning -the stories are from the Daily Fail so accuracy is dubious)
1. Some fart of a governmenttwat wanker running dog has made a statement about legislation to be introduced to curb the current spate of attacks by dangerous dogs. All puppies are to be micro -chipped at birth and a rolling programme will then hoover up all the adult dogs in the country. HTF are the power mad bastards going to monitor that? When a dog licence was only 7/6d ( 37p) eighty percent of dog owners didn't bother bying one so, with a micro-chip costing up to £35, it may just be possible a similar situation arises.
2. The worst prime minister since The Gorgon of Kirkaldy ( who was the worst P.M. since the husband of that slot mouth female Q.C.) has decreed that what British Industry needs is morescreeching feminazis women in the boardroom. Actually it's Brussels that has decided it but the Camermong is trying to make out that it's all his own idea to introduce legislation to ensure that more dripping fannies sprottle the high class leather of boardroom chairs. WTF has it got to do with any politician how companies make up their directorships?
3. Ther has been a sixfold increase over five years of schoolgirls getting contraceptive implants. This is being implemented by local authority health fanatics without the knowledge of the children's parents and, because of confidentiality legislation, is allowable within statute law. All the girls,some as young as thirteen, have to do is request the implants. Personally if they're that eager to have sex at that age I'd rather see them fitted with time locked chastity belts that wouldn't open until after their menopause. It would probably be the cheaper option.
4. Mothers wanting to return to work are having difficulty finding classy part time jobs. All the jobs on offer according to that hotbed of feminism, Netmums, are cleaning, clerical or cashier type jobs that do not appeal to thebossy managerial type of mothers.
Well too frigging bad. It's time you damp knickered harridans realised that if you make the choice to have a baby then the rest of society, including employers, do not have to bend over backwards to accommodate your every demand and desire. The lot of you go away and straddle a porcupine's backbone. That should keep your mind off the paucity of proper jobs for people of such station.
1. Some fart of a government
2. The worst prime minister since The Gorgon of Kirkaldy ( who was the worst P.M. since the husband of that slot mouth female Q.C.) has decreed that what British Industry needs is more
3. Ther has been a sixfold increase over five years of schoolgirls getting contraceptive implants. This is being implemented by local authority health fanatics without the knowledge of the children's parents and, because of confidentiality legislation, is allowable within statute law. All the girls,some as young as thirteen, have to do is request the implants. Personally if they're that eager to have sex at that age I'd rather see them fitted with time locked chastity belts that wouldn't open until after their menopause. It would probably be the cheaper option.
4. Mothers wanting to return to work are having difficulty finding classy part time jobs. All the jobs on offer according to that hotbed of feminism, Netmums, are cleaning, clerical or cashier type jobs that do not appeal to the
Well too frigging bad. It's time you damp knickered harridans realised that if you make the choice to have a baby then the rest of society, including employers, do not have to bend over backwards to accommodate your every demand and desire. The lot of you go away and straddle a porcupine's backbone. That should keep your mind off the paucity of proper jobs for people of such station.
Thursday 2 February 2012
Thursday 2nd. February 2012
Labour's Tom Watson made a statement about the Metropolitan Police investigating News Corporation's alleged hacking of e-mails.
Thursday 2nd. February 2012
The Metropolitan Police issued an apology after revealing that during a survey the e-mail addresses of over 1100 crime victims were sent to survey recipients.
Leaving that hotbed of social activity, the daily convey of grandchildren to the school, I noticed an interesting letter published in the Daily Fail.
Claiming that the taxation and banning from public places has caused people to stop smoking and therefore reduced heart attacks the writer extends the principal a little further to tackle obesity which, he/she claims, is now our top medical concern
I suggest that from January 1 2013 everybody will have to undergo a tax/obesity assessment - weight, height and girth - providing an index figure. If you're 'above the line' you get taxed more and your tax code is adjusted. Get slim and your tax is normal. It's only fair after all, bigger or fatter people will, ultimately, make greater calls on NHS services.
Assuming the writer, one P. Webberly, from Preston is not at present confined in an institute it becomes interesting to analyse the way his/her cell challenged mind operates.
If EVERYONE in the country is to be weight tested on a regular basis how much does Webberley of Preston think it might cost? Does this economically illiteratewankrag commentator expect the extra taxation to more than cover the cost of such procedures? Does The Webberley consider the number of extra non productive leeches that HMRC would have to employ and the cost thereof?
The answer is probably not, but be assured, the said Webberley almost certainly had a massive orgasm when typing the sacred letters NHS into the e-mail.
Even more frightening is that the letters editor of The Fail actually published such crap and that there are thousands more Webberlys infesting this once free and pleasant land.
Labour's Tom Watson made a statement about the Metropolitan Police investigating News Corporation's alleged hacking of e-mails.
Thursday 2nd. February 2012
The Metropolitan Police issued an apology after revealing that during a survey the e-mail addresses of over 1100 crime victims were sent to survey recipients.
Leaving that hotbed of social activity, the daily convey of grandchildren to the school, I noticed an interesting letter published in the Daily Fail.
Claiming that the taxation and banning from public places has caused people to stop smoking and therefore reduced heart attacks the writer extends the principal a little further to tackle obesity which, he/she claims, is now our top medical concern
I suggest that from January 1 2013 everybody will have to undergo a tax/obesity assessment - weight, height and girth - providing an index figure. If you're 'above the line' you get taxed more and your tax code is adjusted. Get slim and your tax is normal. It's only fair after all, bigger or fatter people will, ultimately, make greater calls on NHS services.
Assuming the writer, one P. Webberly, from Preston is not at present confined in an institute it becomes interesting to analyse the way his/her cell challenged mind operates.
If EVERYONE in the country is to be weight tested on a regular basis how much does Webberley of Preston think it might cost? Does this economically illiterate
The answer is probably not, but be assured, the said Webberley almost certainly had a massive orgasm when typing the sacred letters NHS into the e-mail.
Even more frightening is that the letters editor of The Fail actually published such crap and that there are thousands more Webberlys infesting this once free and pleasant land.
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