So, the collection of halfwits, cheats, control freaks, frothy do- gooders, and mendacious morons that comprise our, fortunately, incomparable government are surprised that the ' Piggy Flu' helpline is overwhelmed with calls. What do these festering turds expect? They, and their robotic helpmate, Liam Donaldson, fall over themselves to distribute highly suspect figures about a flu pandemic and, then are surprised that the ninety percent of the population incapable of rational thought are in a state of panic.

Having disseminated so many lies about , smoking, drinking, eating, and climate change that the sheeple all believed, they now face a crisis of their own making that may make the NHS grind to a shuddering halt. Not that the few normal people left would notice of course.

Well stuff the rotten b'stards I say. Stuff, hang, shoot, impale, drown, and bayonet every one of them, including all the poncing semen stains that ever applied for a job advertised in The Guardian pinko rag and, the entire staff of the BBC. ( Terry Wogan and Ken Bruce excepted of course. )

Another moronic statement from Cameron's wanabee government.

Some character called Chris Grayling, ( I might have got the name wrong; it could have been Peter Rabbit ) who engorges himself under the title of ' Shadow Home Secretary', has proposed that persons engaged in rowdy, or anti-social behaviour, are punished by the police confiscating their mobile phones or, such other electronic gadgetry that may be dear to their stinking little hearts.

Well, Grayling or Rabbit, I've got news that might surprise you, such actions are called THEFT. It's the same as claiming expenses for something that dosn't exist, if that makes it any clearer to a politician.

WTF is the point of giving our moronic' Woodentops' any more powers than they can comfortably abuse in any one shift cycle? Do they have to take a recreational break from clubbing innocent newspaper vendors to death to confiscate these items, or can it be handled by an increase in police helicopter numbers? ( Sorry my mistake. I forgot that the plods already have more air support than the forces fighting in Afghanistan) Anyway, how are our brave guardians of 'law and order' ( a phrase that is begining to attract the same odour as ' health and safety ) supposed to carry the stolen items. They already have trouble moving under the weight of high viz jackets, anti- stab vests, news vendor battering extendable batons, several pairs of handcuffs ( some furry lined for that ' special arrest' ) personal radios, latex gloves ( again for that special moment ) and, great clodhopping boots. They don't have the energy to move out of their tax payer funded, wheeled and sirened, personal work space until their canteen break is due.

The whole point is that COURTS not the ' pointed heads' issue punishments, usually as and when there is proof that a crime has been committed. There are more than adequate existing laws to cover any breach of the peace, so leave the plod service to make the arrest and put the miscreant up in front of the magistrates as quickly as possible. It may seem a strange system but it has worked fairly well for several hundreds of years, so, WHY TRY AND CHANGE IT YOU POLITICAL SHITHEAD.

The Famous Kirklees Wig

So, 'The Famous Kirklees Wig' is no more. The facts, as far as I can ascertain, reveal a story of ignorance, back stabbing, self immolation, and assisted sucicide, a total disgrace to the good name and reputation of The KLR.

This Wig should be thoroughly ashamed of itself, especially as it has given no thought to the ducks whom are now bereft of their winter nesting supply.

It will seem strange to walk the platform at Clayton West without a hoarse, gutteral, voice, yelling at some paying passenger who may have inadverntently strayed into an area that The Wig' considered its' own personal domain. Stranger still to be unable to watch the ever widening patch between ginger and grey; a kind of tonsure in reverse. How Jay will cope without the rough hand on the throttle and the jerking uneven progress of the stock to platform 1, only time and a lengthened engine life will tell. ' How are the mighty fallen and the ranks of the Sick Notes diminished.'

Still, we must look for the silver lining. No more will the elderly drivers be confused by shouts of 'Green flag', no more will a fistfull of ticket stubs be thrust into the cab just as the driver is wrestling with both regulator and brake, and, perhaps, no more will the morning moan reverberate amongst the ranks of hastily prepared engines.

Comrades, enough of these negative thoughts. Although we mourn the passing of nothing in particular, look, and give huzzah, for we have an even bigger Sh*t standing in the wings. Three cheers for our very own Care in the Community.

A wonderful letter in The Telegraph today shows that some of us are fighting back against Nanny and her hordes of brainwashed minions. A gentleman having to put one of the statutary ' It is Against the Law to Smoke etc. ' signs in the entrance to his lovely old church added another sign below it.

' Warning! If you smoke on these premises God, who knows everything, will forgive you. However,The Government, who know nothing, will prosecute you.'

Unfortunately sarcasm, satire, and wit mean nothing to the humourless Nazis who seek to control every aspect of our lives. Short of ' a la lanterne' is there anything we can do to make them crawl back into the ordure from which they hatched?