Letter To The Hyper-Market

The General Manager
Modified Foodmarkets plc.
Genetics Square
The Forward For Science Industrial Park
Euro Area South West 21.


Dear General Manager,

After a recent visit to your company's new globerama market in Yorkshire I feel compelled to note one or two points that may be of interest to yourself.

I must congratulate you on your policy of solely employing young people who appear to suffer from the unfortunate syndrome known as 'learning difficulties.' As you now operate in excess of one million outlets I do think that this courageous policy may eventually lead to slight staffing problems. It may be that if and when such a situation should arise the company could consider employing the merely illiterate members of the population which, experience suggests, comprises the majority of persons under the age of forty. If this should prove difficult then I fear that your only recourse is to turn to the older members of society, although their basic good manners, knowledge and courtesy, may be disturbing to younger shoppers thus causing a decline in your sales of illegibly labelled compact discs and Thai curries.

To return to my visit I must state how I admired the 'sang froid' of a young assistant whose lapel badge proclaimed her to enjoy the somewhat unusual name of Tracy Supervisor. When I enquired about the labelling of genetically modified products she informed me that all the micro-waveable foods carried the instructions on the packet.I found this a refreshing example of the witty replies so naturally uttered issued by your staff and remain amazed by the way she managed to utter several such statements without the slightest hint of amusement showing on her serious countenance. Such training deserves the highest accolades and I ask that you pass my comments on to your excellent Personnel Manager.

A small hiatus occurred when I attempted to procure one of the wheeled baskets that were artistically arranged at the store entrance. These scientifically designed ensembles of steel wire are, as I'm sure you're aware, linked together by what appears to be a thin section of chain fencing. As I felt that steering sixteen of these magnificent vehicles around the store would deprive some other worthy shopper of the opportunity to sample your interesting range of goods, I endeavoured to separate one which would be sufficient for my modest needs. After several minutes of struggle I requested assistance from a young man who was attired in both pullover and hat bearing the 'smiling till' logo displayed all around your company's stores.Incidentally it is very thoughtful of your management to design a hat with the peak at the rear. This must be of immense help in preventing harmful ultra-violet from the sun affecting the bare necks of your young employees. I would assume that the time lost from sickness is greatly reduced by this innovation. Upon my asking this willing fellow for assistance he replied by saying ' Itexakwid.'

My delight at finding a fluent knowledge of the Serbo -Croat language was a requirement for your employees when, by deft use of sign language for the hard of hearing, he indicated that a one pound coin was all that was required to release the recalcitrant piece of chain fencing. This I must say is modern technology in its finest form as once the coin had entered a slotted section none of my subsequent efforts could release it again. I would assume that this clever device goes a long way to meeting the repair costs caused by these baskets being inconsiderately damaged by the libs of your more careless customers.

Whilst on the subject of the mobile shopping basket I never realised what a marvellous training aid they are for shoppers whose driving skills have become somewhat jaded. After suffering the rigours of a short urban journey to reach your store all drivers can revitalise their skills by pushing one these trolleys for only a few short yards. I feel sure that all customers must appreciate your consideration for what is largely a car borne trade.

I fear that I cannot comment any further on this visit to your emporium as, just after entering, I foolishly allowed my right leg to intersect a trolley that was headed towards a sign proclaiming 'baskets only.' I trust that no permanent damage was caused to your shopping vehicle and remain in awe of the design work that enables such a modest creation to be loaded to a height of six feet or more above ground level and still provide room for three young children to sit in comfort.

After my discharge from hospital I shall certainly visit your store again.


Sincerely