Pagan Plods

It appears that paganism is rife amongst the valient few who make our streets safe to be mugged in. Recent newspaper articles reveal that around five hundred of our baton wielding fiends are officialy registered as pagans and, as such, are entitled to take Pagan Bank Holidays as part of their annual leave.

I was so proud of the diversity allowed by the ' not fit for purpose' Home Office that I immediately penned the following letter to the local Chief Blue Meanie.

Sir,

I feel I must put pen pen to paper to express my admiration of the way your constables have maintained The Queen's Peace during my recent visit to South Yorkshire.

Walking along Doncaster High Street on Saturday afternoon I was alarmed to see a column of smoke rising into the still air. About to summon the Fire Service my fears were dispelled when the smoke cleared and I saw seven of your constables holding hands and forming a circle around what, I later learned, was a sacrifice to propitiate the gods of the Central Police Station Wormery. ( I feel sure that the driver of the untaxed Ford Fiesta would have approved of his body being used in this way, especially as your officers had been thoughtful enough to remove the twenty five bullets lodged in his head, thus avoiding any chance of toxic fumes affecting the enthralled onlookers).

This was a superb demonstration of how to lessen the impact of crime on law abiding citizens. I personally observed no fewer than three gangs of armed muggers merely beat their victims to death, instead of stabbing them, as they hurried across to gaze upon this magnificent spectacle.

I must say I was momentarily surprised when two of the constables dropped their left hands to enfold their neighbour's buttocks but, I feel sure, that this was just part of the very intricate ritual.

The arrival ofthe 'Air Support' helicopter caused quite a stir and I shall never forget the sight of the four naked constables rappeling down to join their ground based colleagues. I believe the recommended way of leaving aircraft in such a manner is to use ones hands and I trust that the officers have made a full recovery from the rope burns on their genital areas.

At this point I had to take my leave as the downwash from the helicopter's rotor blades had caused the burning sacrifice to disperse in several directions although, fortunately, the ceremony did seem to have concluded as four of the constables were putting their clothes back on.

I understand that the ensuing conflagration destroyed most of the town centre but feel sure that the citizens of Doncaster feel it a small price to pay in exchange for such innovative policing.

As one of your officers noticed the small crucifix I was wearing and I only escaped by hiding in a nearby herbalist shop, it is unlikely that I shall revisit the area until after the Winter Solstice.

Wishing you and all your constables a Merry Winterval and a Prosporous New Moon,

Yours sincerely,